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Thursday, March 3, 2011

CHAPTER Q: 'INTO THE WILD' WAS A LOUSY FILM

Do you know what is in my hands? Yes, its a newspaper. Please let me read out to you what it says. The title is...

Ahem

'GHOST SUPERTANKER CRASHES INTO ALASKAN HARBOR. ENTIRE CREW DEAD.'

Well done.

...

No, no please tell me. Tell me the reasons for your latest escapade. A supertanker's entire crew killed off for what reason exactly? You were bored? You were horny? Just what was it exactly?

They needed to die.

THEY NEEDED TO DIE? THEY NEEDED TO DIE! YOU ARROGANT, STUPID PIECE OF FUCKNG SHIT! YOU KILLED ALMOST A HUNDRED MEN FOR NO REASON FOR THAT! AND GOD ONLY KNOWS HOW MANY MORE AFTER YOU CRASHED A FUCKING SUPERTANKER INTO ONE OF THE BIGGEST HARBORS ON THE PLANET! YOU, YOU, AAARGGHH!!!!

... I take it you're not in a good mood.

Money... Money I can understand. But these men were innocent, they had done nothing wrong. WHY THE HELL DID THEY HAVE TO DIE!!!

Because if I hadn't, then I would have killed us instead.

...

Yes, yes I swear to God I would have. I need to kill, I fucking need to. And I'll do anything to kill someone, through anyways possible. Its a kick for me asshole, to know that I snuffed out that life, that I was the one who made that heart finally stop beating. I ENDED A LIFE! And that is the ultimate for me. I live to kill. And I'll never stop. I never will. As long as I'm there in this room, as long as we share this, I will kill. 

I will.

You're insane.

No, I'm just trying to have a good time. And Alaska was indeed a good time.


A boxing match with a grizzly bear is not my idea of a good time. Neither was the avalanche.

Ah, you're just cranky from all our time in the wild. We came back stronger from it.

Stronger? I never wanted to spend over year running through forests in the first place! Humans are built for cities, not the fucking wild! If even once during that time if I had taken control-

But you didn't.

And if I had any say in what you did-

But you didn't.

And the worst was that I could have prevented the whole thing in the-

But you-

STOP FUCKING INTERRUPTING ME! I CAN'T EVEN STATE A SINGLE DAMN SENTENCE WITHOUT YOU BUTTING YOUR ASS IN! JUST FOR ONCE SHUT THE HELL UP!

...

Thank you.

I woke up on the side of a mountain, my body frozen and half covered in snow. A blizzard raged all around me, the wind trying hard to wrench me off the mountainside. I was covered in a fur coat, that was the only thing keeping me-

Wait, the fur coat.

Yeah, about that. 


The grizzly gave a single low grunt, before the bastard charged forward, spittle flying from its fucking jaws. I put two bullets in its chest, but that didn't slow it down in the slightest. I rolled right at the last minute, and the damn thing crashed into the tree behind me, at that time, I whipped out my knife and rammed it till the hilt into its back. I could feel the blade nick the spine, and smiled. 


The nest second the fucker turned around and swiped me in the chest. The wind kicked out of me,


You cracked a rib.


I cracked a rib. Oh yeah, and flew flying backwards before I passed out.


You did. That was where I came in. Waking up to a mad grizzly trying to kill you. That's in the top five. Easily.

Top five?

Top five of the most fucked-up situations you gotten me into. This makes number 3.

You're an asshole.

But seriously, a grizzly?. If some animal, then why not a raccoon or something like that? But no, we get grizzly on the menu. Main fucking course.

I scramble to my feet and draw the colt again. This time I pump the entire magazine into it. The beast lets out a roar of pain and stumbles. Once. Then its back on its feet again, just as fast. Now I'm running through the forest, and I can hear that bastard running behind me. Its catching up. Few more minutes and I'd be fucked.

Then I saw salvation. A tree, with branches low enough for me to climb. I was halfway up in seconds, and then looked down.

That bastard was right behind me. Yes, I knew bears can climb, but when one is chasing you down, you're brain doesn't really have time for general knowledge. His claws were about to rip out my leg when I jumped off and fell to the ground. I let out a scream as I felt my ankle snap. I fell to my knees gritting my teeth in pain. I could feel the ground shudder as the bear fell to the ground behind me. I couldn't do anything, me leg was on fire. The bear had me.

I turned around, and the bear's head was right there beside me, its glassy eyes staring sightlessly at me. At first I didn't understand, but then I saw the blood staining the grass around it and I realized. With all that adrenaline, the bear's heart had pumped out enough blood through it's wounds to finally kill it.

Bear killer! Hurrah!

Shut up. But why the hell was the bear attacking us in the first place?

I threw a rock at it.

You through a... YOU THROUGH A ROCK AT IT?! YOU FUCKING- ah, I shouldn't really expect anything else by now. But what the hell were we doing in a forest.

Hmm... let's see... After crashing the supertanker into the port, I fled to the city, grabbed some stuff, killed some folks, and then hit it for the woods.


So anyways, you killed the bear, then I'm guessing you spent a few days before I came back?


Almost three weeks. I nearly starved a couple of times and was lost. Came across a bunch of weird looking berries, wasn't sure if I should have eaten them or not. But just as I was about to bite one, a moose came and ate a bunch of 'em. The next moment it heaved over and died. I decided to throw the berries away.

Good choice.

Where did the mountains come from?

Saw 'em on the horizon. They looked kinda cool. So why not? I reached there in a month, trekked alongside a river that lead all the way up till the hills. From there, just made my way higher and higher.

So you could kill us.

No, because up there, above the rest of this crap and bullshit I finally found a place of silence, where I was forced to survive in one of the harshest places on this mud ball. I did it, even you bloody did.


This made us stronger.

I almost died of hypothermia. Fell on the climb back down. Fractured an arm. Still somehow, I made it. Our left arm never set after that, you know. The last three fingers never set back straight. And the avalanche, oh, the avalanche.

I was walking down the side of a mountain which decided to fall of the mountain. I was swept across hundreds of feet in a flurry of snow, before an especially hard piece knocked my out. When I came too,only my fucking feet were sticking out. It took hours for me to get out, and still I was half delirious when I finally crossed the snow-line.

I do not see 'stronger' in this.

Which is why I will always be the better of us.

The only reason we're still alive is because of those lumberjacks who found us. And once we're healed, you hack them to pieces with their own axes.

Don't you see the irony in it?

Irony my ass. You and the Joker should get a room.

Probably, but then you'd have to watch.


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